Relationship Issues: Why Don’t They Come With Instructions? If Only There Were a Rulebook!
By Ashwini Anand (Ash), Clinical Psychologist, Chethana Psychology, Melbourne
The Universal Challenge of Relationships
I know how tempting it is to wish for a magic wand to make relationships simple. Believe me, if I had one, I’d use it for all of us! haha! No matter who we are, relationships touch every part of our lives: parents, siblings, children, partners, friends, and colleagues. It might seem like everyone else finds connection easy, while you’re the only one struggling. In reality, relationship difficulties are a universal experience, rooted in our most basic human need: to connect and belong (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). If you’ve ever felt stuck or blamed yourself for how you react in relationships, you’re not alone.
Different Relationship Settings, Same Old Struggles
Whether it’s tension with a parent, misunderstandings with a partner, feeling left out by friends, or work conflicts, relationship struggles can appear in every area of life. You might notice patterns such as withdrawing, people-pleasing, becoming defensive, or struggling to voice your needs repeated across settings (Feeney & Noller, 2019; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Often, we carry the same emotional wounds and habits from one relationship to another, without realising it.
Patterns on Repeat: “Why do I act like this?”
Often, we are clear on what we don’t want in relationships, pain, conflict, and criticism, but feel lost about what we do want or how to create it. Research demonstrates that individuals who have experienced negative or insecure relationships in the past frequently develop expectations and behavioural patterns based on those experiences, making it difficult to form a clear model of what a healthy relationship looks like (Crawford & Wright, 2007; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Communication skills such as setting boundaries, voicing needs, and resolving conflict are primarily developed through interactions and experiences within the family context. If these skills are not modelled during childhood, individuals may struggle with navigating adult relationships, as parent–child communication significantly contributes to the socialisation of relationship values and skills (Horstman et al., 2016).
It’s common to wonder why we fall into the same cycles, even when we try our best to change. Neuroscience shows our nervous system and brain develop default ways of reacting to protect us, especially if we’ve had painful or unsafe experiences in the past (Dana, 2018; Siegel, 2020).
In addition, how we relate to others is powerfully shaped by our early attachment experiences. Attachment styles: secure, anxious (also called preoccupied), avoidant (also called dismissing), and disorganised (also called fearful) begin in childhood and act as blueprints for our adult relationships (Dagan et al., 2018; Fraley, 2019). If caregivers were emotionally available and consistent, we tend to develop a secure style, feeling comfortable with closeness and trusting others. If caregiving was unpredictable, critical, or distant, we might become anxious (craving closeness but fearing loss), avoidant (minimising closeness and valuing independence), or disorganised (struggling with both wanting and fearing connection).
Protection vs. Connection:
The Role of the Nervous System
Our nervous system is always scanning for safety or danger (Dana, 2018). When we sense a threat such as criticism, rejection, or conflict, even if it’s just a raised voice or a tense look, our bodies can shift into protective mode. This doesn’t just mean fight, flight, or freeze; it can also look like people-pleasing (fawn), appeasing others to avoid conflict, or feeling so overwhelmed that we shut down (collapse) (Dana, 2018; van der Kolk, 2014). In real life, this might show up as suddenly withdrawing from a conversation, saying “yes” when you mean “no,” or feeling numb and disconnected during an argument. When we try to connect with others from this place, true closeness is hard to find. To move toward genuine connection, our bodies and minds need signals of safety, kindness, and self-compassion (Dana, 2018).
These patterns are not your fault; they are survival strategies your mind and body developed to cope with your environment. The good news is that, with awareness and support, attachment patterns can change over time (Dagan et al., 2018).
The Myth of Perfect Relationships &
The Importance of Repair
Even the healthiest connections involve misunderstandings and conflict. The key is not to avoid mistakes or arguments, but to focus on repair, coming back together, making amends, and building trust through vulnerability (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Conflict isn’t always bad; it can deepen intimacy and resilience when handled with care and empathy.
When to Seek Therapy & What It Really Offers
If you feel stuck, unseen, or overwhelmed by relationship patterns, therapy can offer a safe space to make sense of your feelings and experiences. Contrary to what some believe, therapists don’t tell you who’s right or wrong. Instead, therapy helps you clarify your values, understand unmet needs, and learn practical tools to trust yourself, advocate for your needs, and repair or reshape relationships (Norcross & Wampold, 2019).
There is no universal guidebook that prescribes what constitutes the “right” relationship. The truth is, none of us has it all figured out. We muddle through together, gently untangling the knots as we go. Each of us defines connection based on our unique values and needs.
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Crawford, T. N., & Wright, M. O. D. (2007). Attachment, social support, and relational patterns in childhood and adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(3), 401–418.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Dagan, O., Sagi-Schwartz, A., & Madigan, S. (2018). Attachment in adulthood: New insights and emerging themes. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 145–149.
Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (2019). Adult Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Implications. Routledge.
Fraley, R. C. (2019). Attachment in adulthood: Recent developments, emerging debates, and future directions. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 401–422.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the Love Lab. W. W. Norton & Company.
Horstman, H. K., Holman, A., & McBride, M. C. (2016). Parent–child communication about “everyday” conflict: Contributions to family communication patterns and conflict resolution skills. Journal of Family Communication, 16(2), 128–143.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Norcross, J. C., & Wampold, B. E. (2019). Relationships and psychotherapy outcomes. Psychotherapy, 56(4), 391–402.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Disclaimer: This blog post is provided for general information and psychoeducation purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are seeking mental health support or assessment, please consult a qualified health professional.